Living With OCD; A Misjudged Mental Illness

As a child I grew up in a very sheltered environment where mental illness was deemed as nothing more than a mere behavioral issue. I knew little about psychology and I never dared to imagine that I was living with a mental illness that was just beginning to bubble under the surface. When the first signs appeared I simply believed they were natural personal quirks. No big deal. When I pictured Obesessive Compulsive Dissorder, I envisioned someone bound in a straight jacket to them from incessant hand-washing. I never dared to dream that OCD would one day haunt my every thought, breath, and action. 

It all began at the ripe age of two and consisted of tags and loose seams on my stuffed animals. I would whine and cry until the tags were removed. They were very unnatural and very out of place in my two year old mind.  It. Had. To. Be. Perfect. After the tags were disposed of, I would thoroughly examine every inch of my toy in order to assure myself that there were no tears. Little did I know that I was creating tears while obsessing over loosened seams until they widened and stuffing began to spill out. After I grew out of these obsessions (about 10 years old) I turned to checking and re-checking locks and dials on the stove. I did this in the name of safety; just to be sure. I never even considered it a problem until one day everything changed:

At 13 years old I remember hearing about someone committing suicide and asking myself, “What if I commit suicide???” The mere thought hit me like a ton of bricks and the very idea that I had the capability to kill myself disturbed me. Sheer panic began to overtake me as I imagined a knife at my wrists. “But I don’t even want to kill my self!” I argued repeatedly, even though it did nothing to ease my mind. Thus began the pattern of obsession and compulsion; the obesession of the thought and the compulsion to reassure myself. This progressed rapidly from one thing to the next: “What if I’m gay???” “I’m not gay, I like boys.” “How do you KNOW?” “Because I know.” “How do you KNOW you won’t turn out gay?” OR “See that person on TV killed someone, what if you kill someone someday?” “I don’t want to kill anyone! That’s terrible!” “How do you know you WON’T???” “Because I won’t.” “What if you loose control of your mind? What if you don’t know what’s happening and you do???” These thoughts revolved in my mind day after day and night after night; one after another. I truly believed I was a sick person who was on the path to insanity. It destroyed my relationships, my confidence, and my peace of mind. I was even afraid to give hugs because “what if I decided to choke them while I was hugging them?” I avoided knives, heavy objects, and anything dangerous especially around others. I refused to sit too close to anyone of the same sex because, “what if I turned out gay or they thought I was?” I never told anyone what I was going through nor did I know it was OCD. After a long time it appeared to get better although every once in a while it would creep back in. I mananged to trudge through it alone and over time I actually forgot about my struggles. However, I never truly “got over” these thoughts; I merely transferred them – like transferring an addiction. 

I finally decided to seek help when it attacked the thing I loved most; my love. A few short months before I married, someone accused me of not “truly being in love” with my fiancé. At first I laughed it off and I knew it was an untrue statement, but then I began to obessess over the idea. “What if I don’t really love him?” “Of course I do. That’s rediculous. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.” “How do you know?” The never ending intrusive thoughts were back with a fiery vengeance. I obsessed for months on end and I began having severe panic attacks. I began to analyze every “I love you” I spoke in order to be sure I really felt it. I examined every feeling, motive, flaw, and in turn it literally began to block my ability to love. I over analyzed EVERYTHING. “Well, how do you know he’s the one.” “Are you sure?” “What if you make a mistake?” “What if…” Once this finally began to dissipate, it “transferred” to our age-gap and turned into “Partner Focussed OCD.” I never minded our gap and I knew that I would be okay with caring for my husband as he grew old and deteriorated and I had considered it a privilege. However, the new plague became: “How do you KNOW you’ll love him when he’s old? Will you still feel the same then? How do you KNOW?” I was utterly tormented and I went around and around with it until I could take no more and I broke down. 

I typed in my “symptoms” online and was first led to GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder.) GAD: 

“has symptoms similar to panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other types of anxiety. These symptoms include constant worry, restlessness, and trouble with concentration.” 

“Generalized anxiety disorder (or GAD) is characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can’t stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry is often unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear, and dread. Eventually, the anxiety so dominates the person’s thinking that it interferes with daily functioning, including work, school, social activities, and relationships.” ~ WebMD

I confided in a psychologist friend of mine who considered what I had to say but told me he personally believed GAD was just a term for a broad spectrum of different anxiety disorders. He claimed that all people experience anxiety to some degree but that I had a “deeper problem.” After contemplating this I began to search for the “deeper problem” and stumbled upon ROCD (Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.) As I browsed through testimonials, I realized that this was exactly what I was experiencing and I was NOT alone. 

Relationship-related obsessive-compulsive symptoms may occur in various types of relationships including people’s relationship with their parents, children, mentors, or even their God. In the below we refer to ROCD within the context of romantic relationships.

There are two main presentations of obsessive-compulsive symptoms focusing on intimate relationships:

Relationship-Centered Obsessive-Compulsive Symptom (ROCD Type I) 

including obsessive doubts, preoccupation, checking, and reassurance seeking behaviors on three relational dimensions; feelings towards one’s partner (e.g., “I continuously reassess whether I really love my partner“; ), one’s perception of partner’s feelings (e.g., “I continuously doubt my partner’s love for me“( and one’s appraisal of the “rightness” of the relationship (e.g., “I check and recheck whether my relationship feels right“). 

Partner-Focused Obsessive-Compulsive Symptom (ROCD Type II)

include preoccupation, checking, and reassurance seeking behaviors relating to one’s partner’s perceived flaws in six domains; physical appearance, sociability, morality, emotional stability, intelligence and competence. ~ ROCD.net 

Although this eased my mind a great deal, I realized my ROCD stemmed from something much deeper that went way back – OCD. What is OCD? 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health disorder that affects people of all ages and walks of life, and occurs when a person gets caught in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are unwanted, intrusive thoughts, images or urges that trigger intensely distressing feelings. Compulsions are behaviors an individual engages in to attempt to get rid of the obsessions and/or decrease his or her distress.

As I researched, the dots connected and the full picture became clear. I realized two important things when it comes to the wonderful world of OCD:

 1.) There is a thought pattern: Trigger, Intrusive thought, Anxiety, Compulsion, and Reassurance. OCD thrives on Reasurance. 

2.) There are many different types of obsessions and compulsions: Here are the three which have haunted me. 

(Pictues taken from ocduk.org)

After realizing I was not alone nor a freak of nature, I was flooded with immense relief on all levels. There was help and there was HOPE. My fears began to subside and my panic attacks completely vanished. I reasearched cognitive behavioral therapy and I began to call my OCD for what it was: falsehood and fear. I would no longer allow fear to control my life. One method of CBT I found helpful was rather than running from the thoughts and reassuring myself, do the opposite. I began to tell myself they were true and that they would happen, kind of like reverse psychology but for the mind. That was when I realized THEY WERE FALSE! IT WAS REDICULOUS! Not everything I thought was true. Afterward I began to feel love again, the over analysis stopped, and things truly got better. I never did see a therapist, (and although it still may not be a bad idea) there is no “magic pill” for OCD. There is medicine to help with the anxiety but nothing but YOU can take it away. Every day I’m learning to fight it and I do still struggle on occasion. Some days are worse than others, but knowing that the thoughts are untrue and knowing that there WILL be a silver lining in the clouds makes every fight winnable. 

Let this be an encouragement to others who fight the monster of OCD. There is hope and what feels so real and terrible is only fear. Do NOT be afraid to tell someone what your going through or to see a psychologist because you are definitely not alone. If I could learn to fight the thing I felt so powerless against, you can too and the only real thing you have to fear is fear itself. Below are some helpful links for better understanding this illness. 

OCD UK 
ABOUT ROCD
Why Loving Someone is Hard When You Have Anxiety
HUFFPOST

Love and Romance; What Is Love?

When we humans think of falling in love, what is the first thing that comes to mind? It is probably the nostalgia of a warm, fuzzy, and altogether magical experience where no hardships exist, but rather constant blissful pleasure and enjoyment. Love seems a tremendous benefit to us for we will no longer encounter boredom, sadness, or loneliness. All our woes and worries will be carried away with the wind and every need fulfilled by a singular, imperfect, human being. 

But Alas! This is NOT love.

I was frightened out of my mind when only a year into our relationship the thrill of new love began to dissipate. Of course I always heard that love mellows but I never believed it would happen to US. As my metaphorical beer goggles fell off, I wondered, “Am I falling out of love?” My OCD kicked in demanding an explanation and the more I rationalized the more fearful I became. In my quest for answers I stumbled upon an article regarding “the end of infatuation” written by a woman with similar circumstances to my own. She experienced similar anxieties but once she realized it was a completely normal thing, she embraced the second, beautiful stage of love: Attatchment; a place where flaws and imperfections are clearly seen but where true love exists. My fears quickly dissolved and our love survived and progressed. Although I have MUCH left to learn I think I am beginning to truly understand this thing called love. 

So…what is love?

Love is NOT a warm, fuzzy, feeling. That “love” is just dopamine, a chemical produced in the brain during the infatuation stage of lust and desire. Couples in the infatuation stage have literally been compared to persons addicted to cocaine. When the dopamine fades, only true love will survive, grow, and learn acceptance. Acceptance is an overlooked but major key to love. Many people attempt to change things about their partner, but to love another is to accept who they are regardless of whether you like it or not. Once you accept and let go, love has much more room to grow.

Love will not cure all your woes and no human being can fulfill your every want and need. No one is perfect and everyone has their own wants and needs to fulfill. Your partner is only human, full of flaws and just as fallible as you. To be truly happy you must make yourself happy and a careful balance of dependence and independence must be created. No one can fix you. YOU must fix YOU.

Love is NOT about YOU or about what someone else can do for you. Love is not about what you can receive from it, but rather about loving and caring for another selflessly. One night after my husband and I had a disagreement he asked if “I was hungry.” I knew it was a hint and that HE was the hungry one. My knee – jerk reaction was to tell him to make his own food, but instead I asked him what he wanted. “No, I’ll get it,” he said as he began looking for food. I stopped him in his tracks, looked him in the eyes, and said, “I might be mad you but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to take care of you.” 

Love is a choice.  Stormy days will come where one must to choose to love when love is no where to be found. Heated anger and aggravation can easily cloud love and in those micro – moments you will have a choice of love and hate. Learn to love when someone has done you wrong and when love is not deserved; this is true love. Love is no fairy tale nor is it similar to Hollywood’s shallow depictions. Love is a union between two imperfect people who are determined to stick together through the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Choose True Love Today. 

Love and Romance; Don’t Open Pandora’s Box!

When my husband and I were first dating we never, ever fought. There was a respect the two of us had for each other that enabled us to calmly discuss problems and issues without knock-down, drag-out, fights or the use of harsh words. Granted, we were close friends for a long while and we understood how to approach each other; but living with someone is a totally different ball game.

Confession: We both possess big, nasty,  tempers and a strong will that never quits. A couple months after we married, Greg and I began to disagree more often. I knew this was bound to happen, but what concerned me was the WAY it happened. Although we usually could calmly discuss things like rational human beings, every now and again we would wind up yelling and giving each other the silent treatment. One afternoon, when he wouldn’t take my advice and was (in my opinion) being willingly ignorant, I lost my temper and called him a name for the first time. In that moment Pandora’s box was opened. A part of my respect for him began to deteriorate and the next time we fought, meanness spilled out of me like water behind a dam. I cussed, I swore, I said things out of spite and things I did not mean; all to get my point across. What did he do? He said nothing and left the house until we both cooled off. This gave me time to think about my actions. Even if I resented a decision he made, I was the one in the wrong for acting the way I did. When he left I could see it in his eyes that I hurt him and it broke my heart. I called him in tears, apologized, and asked him to come home. He held no grudge against me but I could feel the damage I had done throughout the night and the following day. 

Since then I have done everything in my power to close Pandora’s box and have relearned how to work through things rationally; but closing it is far more difficult than opening it. A bad habit is easy to start but even harder to break. This is why the best option is to completely leave it alone. I began to notice that my husband has never once opened Pandora’s box in the heat of a moment. Perhaps it is because he is older and wiser and knows the potential of a rotten temper. The contents of Pandora’s box will destroy a relationship and often tear the person you love the most into pieces. I learned that making a point is never worth that fatal sacrifice. No matter how frustrated or angry you are DO NOT open Pandora’s box. Choose to love anyway and seek to understand. The damage can never be undone and hurtful words can never be unsaid or extracted from a person’s mind. 

It is never worth the sacrifice. 

https://youtu.be/2kFpHIAQv_0
Choose Love 

Love and Romance; The Great Age Gap Debate

When I first met my husband I never would have believed that HE was the man of my dreams. If I had been told years earlier that we would wind up married to each other I would have been terrified out of my mind.

Why? 

The answer: 25 years of an age difference. 

Disgusting. Weird. Crazy. Daddy Issues.

Before I fell in love with my husband the idea of an age gap relationship made me sick to my stomach. As far as I was concerned there was no chance of me becoming romantically involved in an age gap relationship. I strongly believed that anyone who had a significantly older partner was mentally deranged; but when it happened to me we were just two people who were madly in love, just like any other normal relationship.

My opinion drastically changed on a cold November night; the night I broke my own heart. He and I had fallen in love and our beautiful three year friendship was ended in the name of “right and wrong.” For two weeks straight I cried throughout the days. He was my best friend, my partner, and my “captain of the guard.” My heart ached and I knew a peice of it had been torn out. One evening as I was folding some towels I burst into tears and crumbled onto my laundry pile. It was then that I finally admitted to myself that I loved him.

To make a long story short, a year later on a fridgid and happy December morning we married. We had eloped. It came a shock to everyone, especially to those who had tried to stop us from marrying. I had heard it all; but that morning nothing could have stopped me from saying “I do.” Nothing felt different compared to a normal relationship because IT WAS a normal relationship. A woman and a man; two consenting adults who loved each other more than life itself. The way I saw it then and the way I see it today are still the same: He just has more a little more life experience and a touch of grey. 

With that said I have noticed that there is a bad rap in the media for age gap relationships. I did take these into account before I married my husband even though I always felt that the success of a marriage had nothing to do with age but with the commitment, love, and personality of the people involved. I believe this now more than ever and none of the conflicts we have encountered have had anything to do with age, but everything to do with personality. Life’s a learning process and learning how to work through issues together with maturity and rationality is the key.

I believe that the reasons a lot of age gap marriages fail are the same reasons normal -or should I say, “other,” marriages fail. As in any relationship it all depends on WHO you marry; their personality, quirks, etc. Many people claim that older partners -men in particular, are more set in their ways therefore harder to deal with when it comes to relationship problems. This can be true, but again: It really depends on the person as it does in any relationship. 

I mentioned a key word a couple of paragraphs above and I believe that this is one of the primary issues with MANY marriages today.  The “statistics” on agegap marriages claim that divorce rates are much higher for age gap lovers. When I read that, it did scare me it at first, but as I thought about it I began to realize that in reality, many divorces stem from a lack of one thing: COMMITTMENT.  Call me “old school” but many people go into marriage with a what’s best for me attitude. “If it doesn’t work out we’ll just divorce, I need to do what’s best for me.”  This sets a definite premise and when problems arise they deem each other incompatible and throw in the towel. I heard a certain phrase many times growing up and I didn’t believe until I experienced it: “Marriage is work.” Granted there are exceptions to this, but if anyone is honest they will agree. Commitment is not what it used to be.  I believe that in an agegap relationship commitment and love are the keys. I read a story about a woman who married an older man and as his health deteriorated she no longer wished to care for him. She divorced him because that’s what she felt was best for her. That’s not love; love is selfless. One never knows what will happen from day to day but in an agegap relationship it is most likely that the older partner will deteriorate before the younger leaving the younger to care for them. Naturally that could present difficulty but that is where commitment would be essential and “for better, for worse” would come into play.  

I’d be a liar to say that the unknowns of the future don’t scare me sometimes. Actually, my biggest fears have always been change, the what if’s, and the unknowns. One day I came across a quote that helped me tremendously:

We do not fear the unknown; we fear what we think we know about the unknown. ~Teal Swan

I have begun to realize that the only constant in this life is change. This I know: I love my husband with all my heart and as long as their is love and comittment we will be just fine. Learn to take life one day at a time for you never know what tomorrow holds anyway. 

Another small thing I want to touch base on before I end this article is the “claim” that in an agegap relationship there is no common ground because you are both in two different places in life. This could happen to couples who are the the same age but going two different directions. To be honest, this never affected my relationship with my husband at all. When he and I met we were both at the same place in life, had the same core values, sense of humor, and passions. If you find an older partner who is like-minded, then by all mean consider them. The only thing that ever bothered me was the fact that there was a whole part of his life I never knew and that I wished I could have experienced with him. 

My conclusion is this: If you are considering an age gap relationship; go for it. If you are willing to truly commit for better or for worse; go for it. Age gap relationships are normal relationships and when you love someone and have that special connection with them, age really IS just a number. 

Love and commitment are the keys.